patches. of course.

Every now and then I just get a little angry. And, by a little, I mean a lot. And, by angry, I mean bitter/resentful/frustrated/worried/sad/scared/tired/overwhelmed/annoyed. 

I hate this patching thing. 

I know I am supposed to appreciate the patch, recognize that it has a job to do, embrace the advanced piece of adhesive that is going to allow us to correct Anderson's vision. I do feel those things about 90% of the time (I might be a little too generous here), but the other times are just rough. I thought I was in the "Acceptance" stage, but it turns out I was wrong. 

I am fully aware that there are people who are watching their kids struggle with things that by comparison a green bandaid would be a vacation. But, I am also fully aware that most 2 year olds don't have to wear an  eye patch 14 hours a day. 14 hours. 14. Fourteen. Yep. 

We have to patch all but 2 of his waking hours and lately he has decided to just completely not need sleep anymore. For a few weeks before our cruise he was not falling asleep until after 10pm and still waking up well before 6am. Some nights he was waking up at 2am and just yelling for me for a few hours. The situation grew on the trip and we had to completely take away his naps and lock him in his room at night to break him of this habit. We have always tried to focus on the "right" things to do to make him a good sleeper. Just more proof that it's your kid, not the "rules" that matters. We made him cry it out THE DAY HE TURNED 12 WEEKS OLD! We don't give him milk to fall asleep, he has a bedtime routine, a sound machine, a night light, everything he could possibly want in there and he plays hard every day. The boy has ridiculous energy. Anyway, the point is that less sleep=more patching time. I have been, of course, exhausted as my 2 year old never sleeps and is grumpy from exhaustion, but being tired goes away. Not patching your kid enough doesn't go away. Every night as I lay there staring at the clock (1:13 am...) and trying to keep my heart together as he called for his Mommy, all that I could think was how he was going to be blind because he had been awake without an eye patch on for those minutes.

 I just want to be tired. Not tired and terrified. 

Now he sleeps about 8:30-5:30 (on a good night), which is 9 hours. That means that we try to patch 14 hours a day because that gives us one hour off and the other hour is basically made up of all the seconds/minutes here and there that we are using to put another patch on, bathtime, time in the car when we can't reapply, etc. 

As he gets older, it is not getting easier. He can talk so much so he says things like, "Please no eyepatch!", "I don't want eyepatch!" or, my personal nightmare, "Please don't hurt me , Mommy!" This last phrase was said as I found him huddled in the closet, hiding from me. He heard the sound of the patch wrapper in the next room and was hiding from me, using his arms as shields so I wouldn't "hurt" him.  

I told you I hate it. 

Imagine when your kid gets shots. You know it's what's best for them  and it is your job to hold them and be strong, but it is heartbreaking nonetheless. It doesn't get easier each time. That is patching. Only sometimes it is hundreds of times a day instead of a few times a year. 

Two things really did me in over the past few days. 

1. He has a bruised eyelid. I just noticed it one day when I was staring at him as he was sleeping. ( I do this sometimes. It's the only time I really get to see that little face). A bruised eyelid because he fights us so much with the patch. 

2. I was talking to someone about how potty training is not going super well. He keeps regressing. She told me to remember that he won't be in diapers when he starts kindergarten. And then threw in, "Actually, he will be a completely different person then. Everything you worry about now will be gone by then." I know I can't blame her because that is a cliche thing to say. But, all I thought was how he will be wearing a patch to kindergarten, so that doesn't help. IS IT EVER GOING TO GO AWAY??  

It hasn't even been a year and a half of patching. We have 5 years left. Every single day. Every single second of every single minute of every single day.  

Despite my words, I am really not inviting you to a pity party. I am just frustrated and sad. Mostly, I am worried. Every single day I think about the very real chance that this might not work. Our best efforts might not be enough. Some days I just want to not worry about if my 2 year old will be able to drive one day. 

Also, I think it is important to chronicle every step of the way, every little piece in this process. One day I think it will be better (hope!) and I want to know how I felt now. Also, if anyone else is ever new to this situation and stumbles upon my blog, I want them to know their feelings are normal. I know it helps immensely to read the words of my Eye Moms. They know. It helps. 

I thought it would be interesting/helpful to keep all of the patches that Anderson took off over 1 weekend. After almost a day I decided that was idiotic and possible scarring for everyone involved. 

I don't know how my mother does it. She is the real hero. 

I love his face. I wish I got to see it more.

A pic from the cruise. Life.

And, just when I have settled deep into my pit of despair, I see my background pic on our computer. 

How AWESOME is my kid? That big grin, a twinkle in his eye. He can say in one eye what most people can't say with 2. Darn, I really wanted a pity party. Nobody is going to feel sorry for me with a kid this cute!

(But, it still stinks)